


Smile One Last Time

by reefsntsumu



Series: Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant To Be a.k.a the fics with no happy endings [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou Friendship, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bokuto Koutarou is a Good Friend, Cancer, Gen, Grieving, Illnesses, Letters, Reader dies, forgive me this is kinda rly sad, reader leaves akaashi letters before they die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:34:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reefsntsumu/pseuds/reefsntsumu
Summary: “I want to promise you forever, but you will never forgive me when I break that promise. I can’t give you the life you want with me, I can’t give you the future we dreamed together, there’s a lot I can’t give you, Keiji,”~~~A collection of letters you wrote to Keiji before your passing.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Reader
Series: Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant To Be a.k.a the fics with no happy endings [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174862
Kudos: 15





	Smile One Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all, i posted this on my tumblr in august, but i decided to share on ao3!! enjoy, and apologies for the angst :)

_“Keiji,_

_I want to promise you forever, but you will never forgive me when I break that promise. I can’t give you the life you want with me, I can’t give you the future we dreamed together, there’s a lot I can’t give you, Keiji._

_What I can give you is my love, my sanity, my last words. I will give it all to you just to see you smile once more. I will give you what I can and I will leave with no regrets._

_That I can promise._

_I love you, forever and always.”_

_\- Y/N_

Akaashi trembled, back hunched over, as he clutched the letter tightly in his hands. The tears that trailed down his cheeks stained the paper, the ink spreading at the dampness. He placed the letter down on the table ahead of him and held his head in his hands, pressing his palms into his eyes until he started seeing dots.

Guilt churned in his stomach. What if you had left with regrets? Would he ever know? The mere thought of it made him feel sick.

Akaashi’s body shook with sobs. He couldn’t stop thinking about the past few days, your smiling face flashing through his mind. Even with your dark eyes, sunken cheeks, and fragile state, you looked angelic with your beautiful smile. He missed you and his heart ached for you.

He cried harder.

Even when Akaashi heard the door to his apartment creak open, Keiji held himself and continued crying. Akaashi felt a familiar and warm hand placed on his shoulder and he knew who it was. Bokuto.

He turned himself in his chair and cried into Bokuto’s stomach, as his friend stroked his hair gently, trying to calm down Akaashi. 

Bokuto missed you so much. He wanted to hug you once more and to thank you for making Akaashi happy. Bokuto wanted to cry for you to come back and yell at how unfair this whole thing was and sleep forever so that he could forget everything. But Akaashi needed someone to hold him together because you were no longer there to do it for him. For all those times Bokuto broke down, Akaashi was there for him, reliable as ever, but for this one day, Bokuto needed to stay composed for Akaashi. Bokuto was Akaashi’s pillar today, yet he so desperately wanted to crumble.

Bokuto tilted his head back slightly and stared at the ceiling, breathing in sharply as he tried to blink away the tears. It was difficult to see his best friend so broken, so empty. This wasn’t the Akaashi he knew. He really wished you were here.

Bokuto noticed that Akaashi had stopped shaking, still crying, however. Akaashi pulled away from his grip and gestured to Bokuto to sit down at the table with him.

“Y/N left four letters. I’ve only read one so far. I don’t- I don’t think I can read the rest,” Akaashi sighed.

“You don’t have to read them all. You know that right?” Bokuto assured his friend.

“But I need to. I need to know everything she wrote, everything she wanted to tell me, everything she felt,” 

Bokuto reached for Akaashi’s hand, giving it a squeeze to remind him that he wasn’t alone.

“Okay. If that’s what you need to do, do it. But _please_ , Akaashi, please don’t shut yourself out from us. We want to be there for you, so let us,”

“I-I know. Thank you,” Akaashi smiled forcefully.

Akaashi was eternally grateful for his best friend, he didn’t know what he would do without Bokuto, but he was glad that he was there for him.

“I came by to make sure you hadn’t starved yourself. I don’t see any dishes so I’m gonna assume you haven’t eaten. I’m stopping by Kuroo’s real quick and I’ll grab some food. I’ll be back soon,” Bokuto promised, giving Akaashi a quick pat on the back before he left.

Akaashi was alone again, left with three more letters that seemed to be weighing him down. He needed to read them all, he needed to know what you wrote that couldn’t be said to him. Most importantly, he wanted to treasure the last bit of you that he had left. Akaashi slowly opened the next letter, dated two days after the first one was written. 

Akaashi remembered that day. It was one of the worst days of his life. 

~five weeks ago~

“As you know, she stopped responding to the treatment a few weeks back. She was insistent on staying here for the remaining weeks. Given that she is no longer undergoing treatment, her condition has taken a turn for the worse. L/N-sama was doing well, considering the circumstances, but she no longer has an appetite and struggles to keep her food down. She passed out this morning from dehydration and malnutrition, so we’ll be feeding her and providing nutrients from the I.V. and tubes,” The doctor read from his folder, occasionally looking up at Akaashi.

Akaashi stared at the doctor with glossy eyes. The doctor sighed deeply, closing his folder and spoke again. 

“She knows, and you and I know, that the chances of L/N-sama surviving from leukemia _without_ treatment, especially in her current state, are low. Akaashi-sama, I understand that this is difficult to hear, but please understand that she will still need your support and as hard as it may be, you need to stay strong, for her. She’ll come around in a few hours, until then please go eat and take care of yourself. I’ll see you soon,” The doctor instructed Akaashi and then turned to attend to the rest of his patients.

Akaashi hadn’t seen you yet, having been briefed about your condition right after his arrival. He wanted to see you so badly, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready. 

He turned into your room and he held his breath.

You were under critical condition and when he saw you, he felt his heart drop to his stomach. The sight of seeing you unconscious, needles stuck in your arms, tubes running across your frame, made his blood run cold, and he could feel the bile crawling up his throat.

You seemed lifeless. Pale, fragile, exhausted.

But to Akaashi, you would always look beautiful. Even then.

_Wake up and smile for me Y/N. Please._

Akaashi walked over to the chair near your bed and he stayed there for the rest of the day, holding your hand and telling you about his day while you were sleeping.

You were still alive, and that was enough for Akaashi.

~present~

_“I want to write these letters because I’m too much of a coward to say these words to your face.”_

“No,” Akaashi whispered to himself, “Don’t say that, you’re not a coward,”

_“I can’t bear to see you cry. I feel guilty when I see you pretend that you are okay. I know you are not okay, so tell me that. Please tell me how you feel, Akaashi. I’m still Y/N, so why can’t you be honest about your feelings?_

_Keiji, tell me everything you feel._

_I’m scared. I don’t know what comes after this and it’s terrifying to think about. I’m scared to leave you behind. You’re my home Keiji and I don’t want to say goodbye. Not yet. I’m not ready. I’ll fight a little longer so that you can hold me once more, and kiss me. So that I can tell you how much I love you. So that maybe before I die you’ll tell me you’re not okay and I can make you happy once more. Is that selfish Keiji? I’m sorry if it is._

_I wish I could stay longer, but I can’t do that. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve everything I’ve put you through. I’m so so sorry,”_

Keiji looked up from the letter, his eyes staring at the wall ahead of him.

You shouldn’t be apologizing. You did nothing wrong, you did everything right. 

Everything that you both had been through had only made Akaashi love you more. Every kiss he shared with you, every fight that you both had, every night that you lay in his arms, every moment he spent with you, had been completely worth it because it was _you_ who he was sharing these moments with. It was _you_ who he got to kiss, _you_ who tested his limits during arguments, _you_ who kissed him awake in the mornings. He only ever wanted you and for a short time he did have you.

So why, _why_ , were you saying sorry? If anything, Akaashi should have thanked you. Thanked you for everything you had done for him. You made him feel loved, you made him feel safe, you made him feel complete. 

_Thank you, thank you, thank you._

_I miss you._

_Come back._

Akaashi continued reading.

_“I haven’t seen you smile in a while, I’ve only been seeing the smile you use to mask your feelings. I want to see your real, genuine smile. The beautiful smile that makes my knees go weak. I hope you know how beautiful you are to me, Keiji._

_Maybe for my last wish, I’ll ask for you to smile. Would that be selfish of me? To ask you to smile for me, while you watch me wither away? Perhaps it is. But please let me be selfish just this once, Keiji. Please, I want to see you smile once more._

_Will you smile for me, Keiji?_

_I hope you will._

_I love you, forever and always.”_

_\- Y/N_

Akaashi put the letter aside and immediately grabbed the next one. He wanted to read them all, cherish every word you wrote, burn them into his memory and never forget them.

The next one was dated two weeks ago, a significantly larger time gap between the previous one that was written.

_“_ _Is it possible to be addicted to someone?_

_I think it is because I’m addicted to you Akaashi. I’m addicted to your touch, your voice, your eyes. I’m addicted to your smile. Your gorgeous smile that you grace the world with every blue moon. But what the world doesn’t know is that I used to see that smile every night. But then I got sick and I took away that smile and the world will never see it again. I hate that I did that._

_I’m trying to push you away. I’m trying to make you leave, make you walk away from the pathetic mess that I am. I’m trying to save you from the heartbreak and pain that comes with losing someone. But you don’t notice this. And the selfish part of me is silently thankful you don’t notice because Keiji, I’m addicted to you, and I don’t want you to walk away from me. But do it. Do it. Walk away before you regret staying any longer. I’m too scared to tell you that, too scared that you actually might leave. Would you have walked away if I gave you the chance?”_

“No, Y/N I would never. Why-why would you ever think that? I could never leave you,” 

_“These are the words of a selfish person. The words of a coward. The words of an addict. Despite that, these are my honest words, these are the thoughts that gnaw at my brain when I see you oh so beautifully passed out on the chair next to me. I tell myself that I’m destroying you, that you’ll regret loving me after I die because it’s too painful._

_These thoughts hurt my head because I know they are not true. You would leave if you wanted to, but you stayed. You stayed with me while I went through chemo and threw up more than I ate. You stayed with me while I cried when I learned the treatment was no longer working. You stayed with me through my worst, and I hate that I can’t be at my best anymore. I want to be my best for you._

_No matter how much I tell you that I’m okay, I know you don’t believe me. Thank you for knowing me so well because you’re right not to believe me. I am not okay._

_I want to marry you, I want to have children with you, I want to grow old with you. But I can’t and it’s not fucking fair. I always ask myself “why me?” but I don’t know. Maybe in another life I had done something to deserve this. Perhaps in another life we really did grow old together. I can only hope._

_Keiji, will you tell Koutarou that I love him? Will you tell Tetsurou and Kenma? Will you tell all our friends who I have made suffer that I love them?_

_They are my family and it’s painful to think how I’ll have to leave them behind. It’s painful to think about how they watched me fall apart. This whole thing is fucking painful. I’m tired of it._

_Can you tell, Keiji?_

_I’m really tired. I’ve been fighting. I’ve been trying to stay strong, trying to hold on for as long as I can, but it’s hard now. I think I’m going to die soon. What’s even scarier is that I think I’m ready for it. I’m sorry I wrote that Keiji, I know that’s selfish._

_I wrote in the first letter that I will die with no regrets. I still believe I will die with no regrets._

_I still believe I will get to see you smile one last time._

_I love you, forever and always.”_

_-_ _Y/N_

Akaashi blinked and eyed the letter that he had just read.

God, the things he would do to see once more and kiss you and tell you how much he loves you. He would give everything up just for a few more seconds with you. Akaashi didn’t know how he was supposed to be okay. The love of his life gone from his world and he was expected to keep moving forward? 

_I need help. You would know what to do, so please come back._

The final letter laid untouched on the table. It was as if the piece of paper was taunting him saying _this is all you have left of Y/N_. Akaashi breathed in sharply because it finally hit him that this was your last letter, this was the last thing you left the world. The last thing you left Akaashi. 

Before Akaashi started reading it, he gasped sharply at the date the letter was written. It was the day you had died and suddenly Akaashi wanted to throw up as the memories of that day flowed through his mind.

~three days ago~

“Akaashi,” you called hoarsely. You were laying in your hospital bed with Akaashi, your head buried in between his arm and shoulder, as you played with Akaashi’s fingers. Akaashi tilted his head down to look at you and you continued speaking.

“Will you tell me how you’re feeling?”

Akaashi stared at you cautiously, curious at your words. “What do you mean?”

“Everytime I ask if you’re okay, you always say yes. Why are you lying to me?”

Akaashi didn’t know what to say. He had two options 1) tell you that he wasn’t lying and that he was okay (okay that you were dying?) or 2) tell you that yes he was lying to you (yes keiji, so smart! Tell your sick significant other you lied!). Both were not viable options, so Akaashi went with option three, stay quiet and let you continue talking, which you gladly did.

“I’m not mad, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just want to know why you won’t talk about how you’re feeling. Just because I’m gonna die doesn’t mean you have to put up a front for me,”

“Why do you have to say it so bluntly, Y/N? Why do you say you’re going to die so casually? _Why_?” Akaashi said desperately.

“Because it’s true,” 

“I don’t care if it’s true or not. You admitting that you’re going to die is the worst thing I’ve heard. I feel like I’ve lost that sliver of hope that I hold onto when you tell me you’re going to die,” Akaashi confessed, breaking eye contact with you and eyeing the very interesting curtains that were lined across the windows.

“I don’t want you to be hopeful for something that’s a lost cause,” you said, blinking away the tears. Akaashi whipped his head towards you.

“Don’t say that,” he whispered.

“Akaashi, tell me how you’re feeling,” you repeated your earlier question. “Please,”

“You’re right, I’m not okay. I’m fucking terrified of losing you. I don’t want to say goodbye, I don’t want you to leave me alone. I mean, fuck, how am I gonna handle Bokuto-san without you?” Akaashi joked, tears streaming down his face. You giggled quietly against him, crying equally as much, happy that he was finally letting it all out.

“It’s all unfair. I love you so much and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but now- now it’s ending far too quick and I’m not ready to say goodbye to you yet. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I don’t _want_ to be ready to say goodbye because I want to be with you forever,” He leaned down to your face and peppered you with kisses whispering I love you’s in between. 

“Keiji, will you do something for me?” you asked.

“Anything,” he said breathlessly.

“Will you smile for me?”

“W-what?” he asked incredulously. You snorted at his reaction.

“You’re acting like I asked you to kill someone for me. All I’m asking is for you to smile. Not that smile you use to tell everyone you’re okay, when you’re really not. I mean the smile I always saw at home when everything was good, when you were happier,”

“I don’t- I don’t know how to just _smile_. I don’t even know what smile you’re talking about. All my smiles are the same,” he lied. 

“I know you know there’s a difference. Will you ever smile that way again?”

“When you get better,”

“You don’t know if that’ll happen Keiji,”

“I can hope,”

“No you can’t. I can’t promise you that. Keiji listen to me, you can’t hold on to the idea that I’m gonna get better. Why can’t you understand that?” you begged him to listen to your words.

“I’ll smile forever when you get better,” 

You frowned at his words. Keiji was in denial and it hurt you that he wasn’t coming to terms with your inevitable death. 

“Keiji-” you were cut off by a knock at the door.

“Morning, L/N-sama. Akaashi-sama. We have to run a few more tests so Y/N won’t be free until later in the day,” the doctor said, offering a small smile.

“Oh that’s no problem at all, I have to run a few errands anyways,” Akaashi said, sliding out of bed and pulling you into a kiss. You wanted to hold him back for a few more minutes but he was already at the door so you called out to him.

“Akaashi, ple-”

“I’ll see you later. I love you Y/N,”

~present~

Akaashi remembered that day vividly. He remembered getting the call from the hospital nine hours later. He remembered him and Bokuto running through the hospital looking for your room. He remembered the muffled condolences when they told him what happened. He remembered Bokuto carrying him when he collapsed to the floor crying. 

You had died.

That had been the worst day of his life.

Here he was, holding what were probably your last words. Was he ready to open it? Was he ready to read what was going through your mind the morning he had left? Probably not, but he was desperate. Desperate for you. So he gently unfolded the later and held his breath as he read through your words. 

This was it. You had promised him your last words in your first letter and you kept your promise. Your last words written in ink, permanently embedded into this piece of paper, and would eventually be embedded into Akaashi’s mind.

_“Akaashi Keiji,_

_You’re a stubborn asshole and I love you so fucking much. Please don’t ever forget that._

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

_Why’d you have to leave? Why couldn’t you just stay for a few more minutes. I had so much to tell you, so much I wanted you to hear because this is it Keiji. I can feel it. I’m going to die and you won’t be here. I love you. I love you. I love you._

_I need to tell you that I love you as many times as I can because it’s the only thing in this world that I am completely sure of._

_Keiji, I love with my entire heart and soul. I want to give you the world, I want to give you everything good in this world because you deserve it all. My next blood test won’t be until the next hour, so I’m writing as much as I can because I’m desperate for you to know that I love you. You’re my world. You give me purpose. You make me feel whole._

_When I feel stressed or lost in my thoughts, you being with me is like a breath of fresh air. You keep me alive, you give me strength._

_But I’m fighting a battle that can’t be won with love. If it could, I’d be unstoppable and I’d come home to you. You make me feel invincible, Keiji._

_Promise me Keiji, you’ll move on. Find someone new, someone who makes you feel whole again, someone who gives you purpose. Don’t shut yourself out and hide. Learn to move on. Learn to love someone new. Please Keiji, fall in love again. I don’t want to be the reason you can’t find love (the selfish part of me is writing that I don’t want you to forget me, so please don’t). But the part of me that loves you so deeply wants you to discover what it feels like to breathe and love again. Share your smile with someone you love. Find a new love and give them your beautiful, breathtaking smile. It’s my last wish, so promise me, Keiji. Please._

_I made you a promise, too, in my first letter._

_I promised you that I would leave with no regrets. I broke that promise and I’m sorry._

_I died with one regret. I regret not seeing you smile one last time._

_I love you, I love you, I love you, forever and always.”_

_\- Y/N L/N_

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @poorly-written-fics or twitter @poorwritfix


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